So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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