My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
