According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
