U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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