it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
