Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
