how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
