Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
