I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.