I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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