I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
