i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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