i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
