Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
