oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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