Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
