Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
