Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
