6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
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Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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