sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
barbara walters just said penis...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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