forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize