I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
