Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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