she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Boobs are out for the taking
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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