The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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