u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
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I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
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The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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