True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
