got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
