i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
