Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
