if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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