I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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