You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
