Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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