dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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