I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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