Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Randomize
