I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
