oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
