oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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