if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
