Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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