I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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