There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
