if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
