yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he laminated a picture of his dick.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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