so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
