i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i think my tv is drunk
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
