I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
