Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
