Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
