Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
