You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
