i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
