So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
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how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
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I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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