he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
