It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
